Top Ten Gifts Ideas Guaranteed To Ruin Her Valentine’s Day

For many people, Valentine’s Day is a last ditch effort to salvage any relationship which might have incurred sizable damage from the holidays leaving it teetering on the brink of extinction. That’s probably the reason so many children are born nine months after the cursed date. Nothing salvages a relationship more than chaining yourself to that person with the life of another human being. However, there are some problems that jewelry and little bundles of resentment can’t even fix and for the rest of us, we’re just attempting to navigate the often cruel seas of the dating world but we’re looking out for your best interest here so here are:

Top Ten Gifts Ideas Guaranteed To Ruin Her Valentine’s Day

10. A “Fifty Shades of Grey” Teddy Bear, with optional retractable wrist and Barney The Dinosaur voice box.

9. An audio book of “The Vagina Monologues” read by Gilbert Gottfried.

8. Herpes – Sure, a lot of people have the herps these days, but she’ll thank you for taking that trip to the free clinic before you got together, especially after that night with you know who. Don’t worry. We all have a “you know who.”

7. A Jewel Encrusted Marital Aid- It’s just not as sexy as you think it is.

6. Sriracha jelly lubricant.

5. A new sexy ironing board and matching house slippers.

4. A Collection of your My Little Pony Fan Art – Tumblr might have the world convinced that being a Brony is acceptable but giving her a lovingly put together portfolio of your sick, twisted equestrian doodles is probably not the best way to steal her heart unless she’s the female equivalent of a Brony. Wait. I’m not sure that exists.

3. Gloria Steinem’s “Guide on How to Be a Better House -Wife” Instructional DVD

2. Lena Dunham’s Kama Sutra: An Illustrated Guide (forward by Grace Dunham)

And The Number One Gift Idea Guaranteed To Ruin Her Valentine’s Day

1. Buy Paxton Grace’s Hilarious New Book

I Left Mars For This: Dating Adventures From A Casanova Off His Meds

ILMFT Book Cover


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Written by: Paxton Grace

I Left Mars For This?!

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