It’s the season again where less than intelligent people can pretend to be something they are not and expect everyone to take them seriously.
No, it’s not the Oscars.
That’s right. It’s Halloween.
Everyone remembers the old safety guides for Halloween from when they were kids, but you’re not a kid anymore.
Face it! You’re an adult . . . and that sucks.
However, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your own adult Halloween safety guide.
While there’s those tried and true rules to live by, like if the girl at the bar seems like she’s really into you but lets it slip she’s accidentally killed her last three boyfriends in some tragic tale of roleplaying gone wrong . . . then you might not want to leave your drink unattended. But that’s just about every night at the bar, right? Or maybe it’s just me.
Halloween though . . . Halloween is special! So with it comes an extra level of precaution because there’s all sorts of scary things lurking in the shadows and back alleys where you’ve chosen to drunkenly urinate due to overcrowding in your chosen pub, tavern or church lock-in.
A Gentleman’s Guide to the Top Ten Safety Tips to Remember This Halloween
10. If you’ve seen the sexy witch walk out of the bathroom more than two times, with separate guys each time . . . that means you might not want to go a stirring that cauldron. (There’s a reason November is National Genital Warts Awareness Month.)
9. If you’re approached by a demon asking you to sell your soul, you might want to think twice. Otherwise, there’s a good chance your new series on the E! Network will be debuting early 2016.
8. Never buy “natural supplements” for erectile dysfunction at the Circle K with the tagline “It is Alive!”
7. If your church insist on hosting it’s own Hell House, please stay within your domination’s guidelines. For example, Southern Baptist can stick with walkthroughs of Planned Parenthood Clinics and Episcopalians can give tours of Rick Santorum’s basement.
6. If a person dressed like a giant rabbit, panda or unicorn propositions you . . . you’re not at a Halloween party! You’ve stumbled into a Furry Convention.
5. Sometimes, costumes can make things a little ambiguous, so just assume that the cops raiding the house party are real. That means you should flush “that” down the toilet immediately.
4. If you’re attempting to order your third Bloody Mary, make sure you’re not doing so in front of the back mirror of the bar. If you are, there’s a good chance that Mary Blakely and her husband Tim will show up in an attempt to sell you on their local craft vodka that just hit the market. This sales pitch does not end well for you!!!
3. If you find yourself in bed next to a less than remarkable Joker or sexy nurse after the mask comes off . . . DO NOT TAKE YOUR CANDY OUT OF IT’S WRAPPER! You’ll get more than a stomachache brother.
2. Since this presidential election can be likened to picking the best STD you want to live with for the next 4 years, forgo any political costumes.
1. This should be common sense but it isn’t. If three nubile, twenty-something females show up at your doorstep . . . in the nude . . . this is not normal. Run! Those bitches are vampires. Trust me, I still have bite marks from 3 years ago.
Paxton Grace – Co-editor and Writer for I Left Mars for This?! Paxton has been described as a “Casanova off his meds”, which makes for an interesting social life . . . and a very entertaining writer.